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CDC Releases Information On Body Art Syndrome

Teri Bildstein Published On: 01-04-2015
CDC Releases Information On Body Art Syndrome

A recent study has led to alarming news for American businesses. Research has uncovered statistics that prove tattoos and body modification cost money. Subjects who partake in tattoos and body modification have demonstrated an unusually high level of accountability in the workplace, seemingly due to their desire to continue funding their body art projects. Findings also suggest that these subjects are prone to creative thinking and unique problem solving techniques not normally found in the general public.

Tattoo Professionals

Additional studies are showing that exposure to these subjects can lead others to begin displaying similar habits due to pressure from their tattooed/pierced coworkers’ expectations that everyone do their jobs as expected.  

In extreme cases, these individuals have been shown to create an environment of tolerance that leads others to join them in their open engagements of self expression, leading to additional subjects spreading this threat to the public’s mental health.

Tattoo Gentleman

The CDC has acknowledged that additional studies are necessary and have filed for government funding in the sum of $13 Billion to fully research this newly identified Body Art Syndrome.

It has been determined that it is in the best interest of society for U.S. residents to remain in a state of welcoming direction from authority while putting forth as little effort as possible in their daily routines.

Until additional research can be performed, the CDC is recommending that businesses send any and all employees displaying body art home, with pay, until further notice.  This recommendation is meant to reduce public exposure to the free thought process associated with Body Art Syndrome.  

The CDC has also developed a helpful tip sheet for dealing with this epidemic.  You can find that information here.


Do you suffer from Body Art Syndrome? Tell us your story in the comments below!


Disclaimer - This is a work of satire. Note the date of publication. Happy April Fool's Day from RebelsMarket!

Main photo courtesy of Cliparts